My girlfriend Sadie has been single as long as I’ve known her. She is beautiful, sweet, intelligent and successful. She actively dates and I hear the same stories over and over from her… He still hasn’t called. He called but he’s too busy to see her right now. He’s busy with work, so had to cancel again. It seems as though she is one of those women who can’t admit when a guy just isn’t that into her.
I am single myself, but I don’t share her experience. I know when a guy is interested. When I go out with him and he calls the next day asking me out to dinner, I know he’s in. If he doesn’t, he’s not. If he e-mails a sweet note, suggesting that he’s thinking of me, he’s interested, if he doesn’t, he’s not. I don’t waste my time on the “nots’.
But Sadie does. She continues to date the same guys over and over. And of course, her self-esteem decreases. And when she asks for my thoughts, I gently suggest that she is an active part of this pattern, and also that she deserves better. It’s up to her to demand it. But she is blind to the depth of this pattern. Once she acknowledges it, and is ready to invest in making shifts, her story will change. I have faith that day will come soon.
We all are blind in some way or another. And here’s the key to seeing the light: When we recognize a pattern: anything that keeps repeating, or anything that makes us feel stuck, it’s usually, at least partially, our own fault. We keep asking the universe, “Why does this keep happening to me?” And the answer, most likely is, “because you are allowing it to.” I played the part of the victim for many years. “No,” I would say, “It’s NOT me, how could it be?” And then, thank god, I realized I was walking around blindly.
Now I do my best to swallow my ego, and take ownership of my patterns. I’m actually grateful to discover when I’m ‘wrong’ about something, because it’s only then I’m motivated to make alternative choices that better serves me. And I’ll tell ya, life is a lot more fun, when you you’re not walking around in the dark; there’s a lot less tripping and banging into walls. ;)
These patterns that we have all experienced, and most of us are experiencing at this very moment without our knowledge, find root in attachment. For your friend, it seems to be an attachment to security, perhaps pervading from a dissonance between who she is and who she sees herself to be. This is the cause of her pattern.
The liberation from this pattern parallels a much larger one. There is a thirst for something that keeps this pattern going, a desire to find something concrete in an impermanent world. It is paralleled in the very path of life, that our thirst and desire for something concrete in life causes the arising of dukkha. Seeing the pattern makes it go away.
You have achieved on a small scale what is enlightenment, a liberation from a pattern. Now to do it until there are no patterns left.
-D.L.
Comment by paradoxfound — March 16, 2010 @ 11:31 am
Great post! I like this: “I played the part of the victim for many years. “No,” I would say, “It’s NOT me, how could it be?” And then, thank god, I realized I was walking around blindly. Now I do my best to swallow my ego, and take ownership of my patterns…” Me, too. I’ve woken up to many of my old patterns that don’t serve me and yet there are many more. Here’s to keeping on keeping on…acknowledging all the ways we walk around unconsciously.
Comment by Jessica — March 17, 2010 @ 12:18 pm
Hey, kinda synchronistic stuff, this is just the sort of thing I needed to read. I was hit in the face with one of my patterns the other day – a romantic issue too. It’s very good when you can get a bit outside that. :)
I’m going to tweet this page I think ;)
Love
A.
Comment by Andrew — March 17, 2010 @ 12:26 pm
I’ve wasted decades with “recognising patterns” and the related “letting go of patterns”. But these days Reality reveals itself to me in simpler ways.
From my perspective there are a couple of things going on here:
Until she feels what’s in it for her in that “pattern” she can’t drop it. Regardless of whether she is going to access the core of her self-sabotage, or some past significant rejection which is still radiating toxic energy into the present, or she is going to really really feel her deep need to connect at heart level, any of those would do. But all aspects of her being must be activated (or at least as many as possible).
Two slightly round-about approaches are: 1) To feel how she is not into those guys, which in turn is manifested as them not being into her. 2) If she really stays with, however miniscule, element of attraction that guy has for her. Out of this any Passion can grow. No man can resist that. (Few women realise the power they have over men when they start using their authentic female power and stop playing with more male techniques like “recognising patterns”).
Bottom line is she is not in touch with her Desire, with her Life Force. The Poison is the Cure then becomes the most direct approach …
Comment by Vesco B — March 17, 2010 @ 12:40 pm
I am thrilled to have found your site, this article and the comments. Thanks to all of you. I’ve needed some clarity on a relationship issue, to “see the light”. These comments have helped me to sort through my issues that are keeping me stuck in and to see my patterns and attachments better. This helps very much.
All the best to all of you.
Comment by Gretchen Casey — March 21, 2010 @ 12:02 pm