It’s hard to end a friendship. “Tim” has been a friend of mine for over a year, and recently I’ve felt confusion around where I stand with him. He’s withdrawn from most people in recent months due to a personal challenge. But even before that he was often hot and cold.
I’ve attempted to be a good friend. I’ve offered a sympathetic ear and have strived to support him but feel my attempts have gone unappreciated. At times he is generous and kind, but more often feels unavailable and unresponsive. I felt he stopped valuing the friendship. Inconsistency doesn’t work too well for me, and so the question is, when is it time to cut the chord on a friendship that feels unreciprocated. I sent him an e-mail asking him to share what’s really going on with him, but he claimed he was too busy to reply. What I have come to understand is that “no answer” is an answer in itself, but I still wanted to be “the good friend” and offer him the benefit of the doubt.
Finally I composed a letter to him in my head asking if he could clarify how he feels; does he value my friendship and want me in his life, or would he prefer that I leave him be? And then I contemplated the answer I was hoping to receive. Really, if he doesn’t want me in his life, is he going to tell me? Based on past actions, probably not. He’s not the expressive type. I realized that I had begun to expect him to be someone he wasn’t. I also recognized that I was offering him the benefit of the doubt when he wasn’t deserving of it. It’s hard to end friendships but ultimately I believe actions speak louder than words. And it’s become essential to me to only pursue healthy relationships. When unsure I’ve learned to ask myself,
Does this friendship still serve me?
And if the answer is no, the friendship is over. I’m a busy gal and I deserve better. Talk is cheap. Show me the love.
So, that was that. I said goodbye to Tim in my mind and that was all I needed to do. Cutting the chord felt great. I didn’t need to actually write the letter. I no longer required his reply or validation. I found the resolve I was seeking on my own. And as I have discovered time and time again, THAT is always the deepest, most complete type of resolve; the resolve that comes from within.
Oh, I so needed to hear this today. Thank you. I’m struggling with this very issue with a dear friend. The good parts of the relationship are so powerfully good that it’s hard to admit that there is much that does not, as you say, serve me anymore. It is sad and lonely-making to admit that to myself, and to sever ties and move on. But I think it is what I need to do, and your words help clarify that for me.
Thank you.
Comment by Lindsey — March 30, 2010 @ 8:49 am
Another question might be, ‘Does this friendship still serve my friend?’. I have a friend I met many years ago. Over the years she has gone hot and very cold towards me. She has even been angry at me for stuff she misinterpreted and said goodbye ‘forever’. She was a bit dramatic and emotional in her ups and downs to say the least. Each time she came back she would either apologize or she would say she appreciated what a nice guy I am, how I have always been positive with her, etc.
She came back recently after many months of non-communication. She wanted to do a photo shoot she had been thinking about for a long time and emailed me to ask if I would help her. I said yes, invited her over and we had a conversation about it. What I found was that she as grown up tremendously over the months. She had a different attitude and a different approach. I am hopeful that she will be more mature and able to handle things better in the future. I think my steadiness in the friendship has been a good example to her and that it’s helped her on her path.
The friendship hasn’t always served me well, but I do feel I have served her well. And that is why the friendship is still valuable to me. I am being of use. If I can’t be of use to her, AND she isn’t being of use to me, then I will know it is time for the friendship to end.
Comment by The Napkin Dad — March 30, 2010 @ 8:58 am
I’ve been counseling a friend in a similar situation who doesn’t want to end the friendship but wants to end a business relationship that isn’t working. Unfortunately, flaws in the friendship surfaced as a result. Your decision to release the need for a response signals a very spiritually aware and conscious position. In addition, I encouraged my friend to also release the need to explain. Surrendering into release without defense or expectation isn’t easy for most of us yet it provides the cleanest shift. Thanks. Good info.
Comment by Neva — March 30, 2010 @ 11:01 am
I read a lesson in acceptance here but have trouble with the resolution being ‘cutting the cord’ or ‘ending a friendship’. Tim is Tim and that’s all he can ever be. Once you fully accept him as he is there is no need to cut any cords or room to make him wrong. Disappointments come when we fail to accept a person as they are and project our expectations of them. I’d say a perhaps more difficult but worthwhile goal would be to develop the same love and compassion for Tim as you reserve for your closest of friends.
Nothing is more powerful than having the wisdom and insight see a person for who they really are; especially when it is masked by actions that are based on the distorted view they carry of themselves and the world around them.
Comment by Dave Evans — March 30, 2010 @ 5:29 pm
This is a very hard thing to do, but sometimes necessary. Good for you for having the courage to just move on.
The Napkin Dad: I believe you have a good point there…sometimes time and patience can make a difference.
Comment by Joanne Elliott aka soulsprite — March 30, 2010 @ 8:51 pm
Thanks for your comment Dave. You are absolutely right about the primary issue being about expectation. Part of my complete resolve with Tim was understanding that he is who he is and ending my need for him to be otherwise. The truth is, I still feel much love for Tim, but realized that the dynamics of our friendship were not healthy and did not serve me to remain in. I did feel that mentally “Cutting the cord” was useful as it helped to re-define our relationship in my mind. Doing so does not mean that I am not open to him as a friend and no longer feel love for him. I absolutely do, but it did alter my expectations of him and also what I am willing to offer to him on a regular basis to him. It is a bit of a complicated relationship, and as there is limited space in blogs I couldn’t share more details which would help to explain the situation more fully.
Your words are wise, and is something I learned many years back when I was finally able to heal my relationship with my father. We can’t expect others to be what we want them to be, or “fill” anything for us. However, I do believe it’s important for us to objectively reflect on our friendships and decide based on how healthy they are, if it serves us to remain in them.
Comment by Tamara — April 2, 2010 @ 12:12 pm
Absolutely Joanne! Courage can be hard to find within ourselves. But it is only when we are able to change/end things that we create the space in which to allow the new. ;) Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Comment by Tamara — April 2, 2010 @ 12:14 pm
Thanks so much for sharing Lindsey. I’m glad I was able to offer some insight. Sometimes it is simply time to move on. Taking care of your own needs will provide you with much strength in the long run. There is a lovely Wayne Dyer quote: “People will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.”
These are wise words. It looks like you are standing for yourself and ultimately will be creating healthy and empowering relationships. I’m excited for you!
xo
Comment by Tamara — April 2, 2010 @ 12:17 pm
You’ve really helped me to finally be able to come to a decision to release the need for a response from a non-committal, and disrespectful friend of mine. I have released the need to receive an explanation from him, which does truly signal my being very spiritually aware and conscious of being able to not waiver from my position. Thanks a bunch & Hugs.
Comment by Mary Moorhouse aka themakeupmaven — May 11, 2010 @ 2:53 pm