For the most part, people perceive me to be a strong woman. I’m independent. I’m confident. I’m one of the last people anyone would expect to end up in a really messed up/borderline abusive relationship, yet somehow, a few years ago, I found myself in one. I couldn’t have predicted it. He adored me. He treated me like a queen. He thought I was perfect. That is, until he inevitably realized that I wasn’t perfect. And once he got comfortable in our relationship he became jealous and controlling. And because he couldn’t control me, he got mean. Later he’d apologize, would promise it would never happen again, but of course it would. I offered him the benefit of the doubt. “Most of the time he was wonderful. He was only that way sometimes,” I’d tell myself. I wanted it to work.
Let me be clear; this is not a pattern for me. I tend to attract healthy, loving, evolved relationships. This behavior was foreign to me, which was part of the reason I didn’t recognize it for what it was. And besides, how could this happen to “ME?”
From the time it became unhealthy, I let it continue for less than three months, but it was exhausting. And I let it go on for three reasons. #1 –I loved him. #2 – I wanted to offer him the opportunity to change. After all, I had made successful shifts in my own life so I wanted to support him in making the changes he strived towards, and #3 I wanted it all: the marriage, kids, house and the white picket fence. And I thought for a time, that I could achieve those things with him. As the rolling stones like to say, “You can’t always get what you want.” Thank god.
I’ll spare you the details of the relationship. Instead, I’ll take you to my breaking point; or perhaps I should refer to it as my “breaking – open” point.
One day, after a fight in which cruel words were spoken, I took a walk near the waterfront. I was crying, exhausted, and had completely lost all perspective. I couldn’t make any decisions with clarity. My tears continued to flow for hours. Eventually when I was too weak to continue, I stopped to sit and meditated on a rock facing the water. I finally found some calm within myself. I could breathe. It was then that I had a conversation with my higher self and asked what to do. I said that I thought I still felt love for him. I said that I desperately wanted this to work but didn’t have any more energy or answers. I said that I didn’t know how much more of this I could take. I was at my breaking point. And I still remember this like it was yesterday… That little voice inside replied, saying
“You have a choice.”
My tears came to a to stop. And a quote came to mind that I’d always lived by. “You will be treated the way you allow others to treat you.” I put that philosophy into practice for many years. I had learned to demand nothing less, than to be treated with love and respect. I simply wouldn’t respond to anything else. And in that moment it became clear that it was time to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. I remembered that I had options and one of those options was to leave.
“You have a choice.” I repeated the words out loud to test the freedom they carried, and let them resonate through me. I did have a choice. We always do. And I knew which one I had to make. I took a deep breath, walked home, ended the relationship and never looked back.
I chose me.
I love your first post and couldn’t agree more. Would you agree that one difficulty for many in taking this choice is accepting the responsibility that comes from exercising one’s power of choice?
I think many folks (and I’ve done it, too) find it too easy to go with the flow and not make an active choice, thinking it somehow absolves them from responsibility for their own lives. Not that this is a conscious decision for most people, But, it’s often what it boils down to.
And, your point applies to everything. How many people say, “I hate my job,” “I hate my house,” I hate my life,” “I hate my spouse,” and then do nothing about it — year in and year out. No decision is a decision. It’s passive. It allows us to think of ourselves as a victim. But, it is a decision, is it not?
Not to make light of these decisions. They can be momentous. They can be incredibly difficult. They can have huge impact on loved ones. But, no matter how you look at it, it’s an individual decision — one that we make every moment of every day.
I hope this adds to thee discussion. Love the blog. Keep it up. And, congratulations on your freedom! I’m sure it was not easy.
Comment by etbcom — April 21, 2010 @ 9:44 pm
BTW, if you’ll forgive me for mentioning my own project, I’ve just released a short story/project that highlights what can happen when failure to make such active decisions goes to an extreme. If you’re interested, please check it out on EntertainTheBrain.com. The deeper meaning doesn’t come across until the ending, but it does dovetail with your point nicely.
Comment by etbcom — April 21, 2010 @ 9:47 pm
I have goosebumps. Minus throwing in alcohol and drugs, this article depicted my life exactly. The choice I made was the same. I have called it my moment of clarity where I knew I had to get myself back, or I was finished.
Not often the type of situation shared, its good at times to hear someone else knows where you were and how awesome it feels to be back where you should be. Good for you :) Thanks!
Comment by KellyBridges — April 29, 2010 @ 5:42 pm